Hybrid Theory
by MFNOmega
Summary: The longawaited sequel to the albumfic Fallen. Hybrid Theory picks up several months after Fallen left off, as Shinji confronts the years of repressed pain and ultimately the man who caused them.
1. Papercut

Chapter One: Papercut

            Then the steel elevator doors slid open, and his world suddenly became very cold.

            Their mutual silence hovered in the air, tangible and thick.  It sunk down, crushing and suffocating, and with it came a subtle darkness that choked out the lights raining down on them from above.  Like the putrid LCL he felt so often force its way into his lungs, the eyes of that monolithic figure glaring out of the elevator seemed to prevent any life-giving oxygen from getting down into his lungs.  Eventually he could stand it no longer, and spoke.

            "...Father..."

            Gendo Ikari's eyes, set in place behind his orange glasses, still refused to blink.  The thin, permanently frowning lips opened to project a single syllable of impatient disregard.  "What?"

            Internally cringing, Shinji looked away for a moment.  He wasn't trying to see anything else, really; at that point he just didn't want to have to face _that_.  The floor tiles were predictably spotless, just as they always were here in Central Dogma.  Shinji could still see in them the reflected silhouette of his father laid against the ceiling lights that seemed to grow dimmer every second.

            That uncaring glare grew colder as a few more words spit out of the stone man's mouth.  Shinji could hear them as if they came from within his own mind, and there was no escaping their sting.  "What do you want?"

_Why does it feel like night today?_

_Something in here's not right today_

_Why am I so uptight today?_

_Paranoia's all I got left_

_I don't know what stressed me first_

_Or how the pressure was fed_

_But I know just what it feels like_

_To have a voice in the back of my head_

_Like a face that I hold inside_

_Face that awaits when I close my eyes_

_Face that watches every time I lie_

_Face that laughs every time I fall_

_(And watches everything)_

_So I know that when it's time to sink or swim_

_The face inside is hearing me, right underneath my skin_

            Why won't those doors close? Shinji asked himself.  But they didn't, though they should have hours ago.  How long had he been here?  He could tell nothing of this contact's duration except that it had been too long.  Still the silence pushed down.

            Life had always been like this for Shinji.  Every time they'd meet, few words if any would pass between them.  Never could he remember a single phrase spoken in kindness from his father to himself.  He had been a tool, used when useful and abandoned when not.  That knowledge always haunted him, following him everywhere.  Watching him.  Pulling him down.

_It's like I'm_

_Paranoid, looking over my back, it's like a_

_Whirlwind inside of my head, it's like I_

_Can't stop, but I hear it within_

_It's like the face inside is right_

_Beneath my skin_

            Time seemed to slow to a crawl, and then to a complete standstill.  Standing there, the muscles in his legs began to grow unsteady, spreading from his knees up and down at paces of equally mind-rending slowness.  Shinji could feel each individual muscle strand collapsing, one after another, and after millennia of stillness his limbs began to shake visibly.

            Shinji's panic increased.  Beads of sweat formed on his brow and trickled down, defying the apparent temperature.  He wondered if they might freeze, not because of the coldness but because of their speed and lack thereof.  One, rounding the end of his nose, seemed to actually reverse its course and head back upwards just to taunt him.  Shinji knew that seeing something like that, had it been real, would be nothing less than  insanity.  But these thoughts fell short of inching into his consciousness.  They were compelled to return to wherever they had come, sent merrily along their way with all the real joy of a funeral procession, by the towering shadowy guardian that was Gendo Ikari.  He stood in the doorway of both the elevator and Shinji's mind, and nothing else could pass through either.

            If there was one positive thing that could be said of that abomination it would be of his observant nature.  He saw everything around him and, through his NERV syncophants, everything elsewhere.  His pessimism knew no bounds; if there was a problem with your performance in work, play, or life itself, he would expose it.  He did this mostly to people he already thought inferior to himself.  Like Shinji.  As those orange-covered eyes searched his face for signs of an answer or at the least something to put down, completely without moving, Shinji's comatose lockdown deepened.

_I know I've got a face in me_

_Points out all the mistakes to me_

_You've got a face on the inside too_

_Your paranoia's probably worse_

_I don't know what set me off first_

_But I know what I can't stand_

_Everybody acts like the fact of the matter_

_Is I can't add up to what you can_

_But everybody has a face that they hold inside_

_Face that awaits when I close my eyes_

_Face that watches every time they lie_

_Face that laughs every time they fall_

_(And watches everything)_

_So you know that when it's time to sink or swim_

_The face inside is watching you too_

_Right inside your skin_

            And then the doors moved.  Plowing through some unseen impediment, they crawled closer to each other.  Vertical columns of the semihuman monolith began to disappear and be replaced by the comparatively kind sheet of metal.  Its arms vanished from view, then its chest, until all that was left was the unmoving face as it spoke from within Shinji's mind.

            "Don't waste my time."

            Metal met metal with a merciful clunk.  Silence of an entirely different kind filled the room, but for only a moment.  "You childish brat."

            This latest verbal barb came from behind.  Shinji quickly turned but saw no one.  He looked back to the elevator.  Still closed.

            "Insignificant fool."  This, from yet another unseen source, pushed a now very on-edge Shinji toward the nearest exit.  The lights gave out entirely, plunging him into darkness.  Instinctively he ran towards the closest light, but it kept evading him.  Pursued by the spiteful voices and desperately trying to stay in the light, Shinji ran down the hallway.

_It's like I'm_

_Paranoid, looking over my back, it's like a_

_Whirlwind inside of my head, it's like I_

_Can't stop, but I'm hearing within_

_It's like the face inside is right_

_Beneath the skin it's like I'm paranoid_

_Looking over my back, it's like a_

_Whirlwind inside of my head, it's like I_

_Can't stop, but I'm hearing within_

_It's like the face inside is right_

_Beneath my skin_

            "You fool."

            "Good for nothing."

            "Waste of time."

            Shinji ran faster, but the voice kept on following him.  Unrelenting in its assault, it pursued him with the hunger of a beast starving for a human soul.  I can't get away, he thought.  Why can't I get away?

            Please, father...don't ignore me.  Don't kill me...

_The face inside is right beneath your skin_

_The face inside is right beneath your skin_

_The face inside is right beneath your skin..._

            A final doorway approached.  Compared to the darkness around him, no, within him, the faded rays of sunlight leaking through seemed blinding.  He burst through into the fresh air.  Lungs long deprived of usefulness kicked in, and as Shinji lost himself in the relief of safety, he tripped.  Slamming into the concrete ground, he rolled to a stop and lay there, staring up at the darkening sky.  A shadow of negative light fell over him, and Shinji didn't have to look to tell who it was.  He suddenly relapsed into paralysis and fear.

_The sun goes down...I feel the light betray me_

_The sun goes down...I feel the light betray me_

_(The sun) It's like I'm_

_Paranoid, looking over my back, it's like a_

_Whirlwind inside of my head, it's like I_

_Can't stop, but I'm hearing within_

_It's like (I feel the light betray me)_

_(The sun) Paranoid, looking over my back, it's like a_

_Whirlwind inside of my head, it's like I_

_Can't stop, but I'm hearing within_

_It's like (I feel the light betray me)_

_It's like I can't stop but I'm hearing within_

_It's like the face inside is right Beneath my skin_

            A frigid fire flowed forth from its blackened maw along with a phrase that crippled him, destroyed him, left nothing left but oblivion.

            "Worthless."

            Shinji collapsed into himself, trying to shut out the utter nothingness that beckoned him to join with it.  His eyes clenched shut, and he felt the concrete moving.  It began to give slightly under his weight, almost comfortably.  In confusion he risked another glance at his surroundings.

            A smooth, flowing, concerned voice found its way to the boy's ears.  "Shinji. Are you alright?"

            To the blue-framed face above him, Shinji displayed a shallow smile along with a sigh of relief.  He rose from his bed, thanked her, and prepared for another day at Central Dogma.  Outside the window, the sky was visible.  Dark clouds had already begun to gather.


	2. One Step Closer

Chapter Two: One Step Closer

Rei watched the buildings pass by with a detached interest.  They were moving at very high speeds, and many came very close to her.  But she didn't care.  Feeling the comforting weight of her beloved's arm around her, she closed her eyes.  The subway trickled away, and all that mattered was Shinji.

The Third Child felt Rei gently place her head upon his shoulder.  He smiled, and the warmth of that wonderful emotion traveled through his entire being.  It lulled him to sleep, perhaps to meet Rei.  She was already there.

Shinji was almost used to it now.  He'd felt it often within the last six months, ever since Rei's rebirth.  She was an entirely new person, both literally and otherwise.  She'd become more...human, he supposed.  More alive.  And because of it, so had he.  There had been nights when the last thing he would see was Rei's softly smiling face, and would wake to the same thing hours later.  Yes, they had slept together.  Not that he'd "slept" with her, as the saying is usually used.  They were only fifteen now, and both knew that their current situation was neither the time nor the place.  Asuka's oft-repeated defensive cries of "You pervert!" may have finally found a use in Shinji's presumptuous classmates.  But to hell with what others thought they did.  Besides, Asuka was too busy crying about other things.  Maybe it was just Shinji's imagination, as many things often were, but it seemed that she had developed somewhat of a crush on him.  Naturally, this presented two problems: firstly, he was deeply in love with Rei and could barely even see anyone else; secondly, Asuka was the type to take the word "crush" literally if turned away.

She still cried at night, and so did Misato.  But for Rei and Shinji, the end of the day held nothing but bliss.  After her old apartment had been condemned following the incident, Rei moved in next door to Shinji.  Their apartment doors had remained conveniently silent in use, even at the midnight hours.  Between sunset and sunrise were dreams of beauty, of joy.  Some of them were real.  His former routine of nightmares had all but ceased, except for one.

Though he had seen no more of his father than usual, the elder Ikari's effects kept becoming more intrusive every day.  Whether it was the mention of his commands by one of the techs or even the barely audible utterance of his name, the elusive Commander could always manage to remotely invoke a spark of anger within his son.  Sometimes it would be just a random neuron firing within Shinji's brain, a fragile connection to another subject.  That was enough.  A microscopically insignificant mental trigger like that was the smoldering cigarette butt, tossed carelessly into a convenient pile of refuse.  The invisible flame could do nothing on its own, but once it found something to feed it, it burst into life and out of control.

These thoughts and others were jolted from Shinji's head as the train came to a stop.  Rei roused quickly and the two exited to close the distance between the station and the Geo-Front transport on foot.

The ride down seemed quieter than usual, and 'usual' was fairly quiet anyway.  Neither of the two had ever been overly talkative, but for half a year that collective stoic demeanor had eroded away, just a bit, to reveal two perfectly normal teenagers.  True, one was a formerly suicidal quasi-orphan and the other was an angelic albino clone, but normal nonetheless.

Rei turned to her companion.  Soon enough, Shinji broke his vacant stare and looked over to meet her questioning eyes.  "I'm fine," he replied, and put on his best fake smile.

_You can tell me_, she thought.

The smile expired with a sigh.  "They're just dreams.  They don't mean anything."  And then he caught himself, noting that she already had.  This was not the couple to tell that dreams are insignificant.  Rei half-smiled as Shinji gave a hollow chuckle.  "Still...I just wish I knew what they meant."

"But you do know," she offered.  "That's why you have them."

_She's right_, he thought.  _She's always right._

"Not always."

Shinji grinned.  "Sure you are.  Tell me one time when you weren't."

"When I thought that there was no reason to keep on living.  You're here," she said, quietly smiling.  "That's all the reason I need."

A smile once again found its way to his lips as they found Rei's.  With his arm around her, they turned at the sound of the electronic chime and stood to enter Central Dogma.

Ritsuko was waiting inside.  As the two turned a corner, she rose from her seat to greet them.

Shinji beat her to it.  "Good morning, Ritsuko," he said cheerfully.  Rei bowed almost imperceptibly, adding, "Dr. Akagi."

A flicker of malice became visible in her eyes for a fraction of a second, and was gone.  Rei had seen it and understood fully what she was thinking: how unwelcome it was to see those two children, so lazy and worthless, finding happiness while she, the diligent worker, had been given nothing in return but the cold shell of the Magi supercomputers.  She felt that twinge of jealousy, and the attached hate hit deep.

Shinji immediately sensed it within Rei.  Ritsuko's spite, directed at all who were happier than her, had now found two new targets.  He felt her hatred, her condescending envy.

It felt familiar.

The change was as tangible as it was sudden.  Rei, her arms still entwined with Shinji's, felt his shoulders slump.  All the muscles throughout those solid limbs just gave out.  His expression changed from one of optimistic readiness back to the one they both remembered from so long ago; gazing downwards at nothing, he reverted to his old self.  As he remembered who had first felt this towards him, Shinji's hand began to shake.

The embers smoldered.

_I cannot take this anymore_

_Saying everything I said before_

_All these words, they make no sense_

_I've found bliss in ignorance_

_Less I hear the less you say_

_You'll find that out anyway_

_Just like before..._

After a long period of uneasy silence, Dr. Akagi broke it, saying, "They're waiting for you in the cage."  Rei nodded in confirmation.  She and Shinji walked past her, and for a brief microsecond, he thought of doing something he would later regret.  The image was just as quickly pushed down, back into his subconscious, and buried under layers of conscience and morality.  As they proceeded onwards, Rei distanced herself just slightly from him.  She had seen it too, and secretly, it frightened her.

_(Everything you say to me)_

_Drives me one step closer to the edge_

_And I'm about to break_

_(I need a little room to breathe)_

_Cause I'm one step closer to the edge_

_I'm about to break_

The harshly glowing sign implanted in the ceiling of the corridor informed Shinji that here was his exit.  A white painted arrow, next to the similarly inscribed word "lockers", pointed him to his next stop.  Rei wasn't on today's schedule for testing; she slowed their walk to a stop.  Shinji turned, and as a weak smile appeared, he quickly kissed her goodbye and left.  He could feel her eyes behind him, questioningly staring as he went through the doorway.

The panel slid shut behind him, and he breathed a sigh of relief.  She couldn't see through him anymore; he and his thoughts were safe.  As he opened his locker and retrieved his folded plug suit, Shinji had a moment's pause.  _Why am I glad to get away from Rei?_ he thought.  _I love her.  What am I afraid of?_  He pulled on the lower half of the suit, sighing.  _This is stupid.  It's just your imagination, nothing's changed.  Just forget about it._

He pressed the wrist button, and the suit expelled the air inside with a sudden whoosh.  Shrugging off the troubling thoughts, he left and started toward the cage.

_I find the answers aren't so clear_

_Wish I could find a way to disappear_

_All these thoughts, they make no sense_

_I've found bliss in ignorance_

_Nothing seems to go away_

_Over and over again_

_Just like before..._

Click.  The external locking mechanisms of Shinji's plug snapped into place, securing him inside Unit 01.  The lights went out for a few moments, as they usually did, and left him with nothing to think of but what was already inside.  Despite his efforts to avoid it, his wandering mind drifted back to that morning's dream.  The darkness of that nightmare...he shuddered.  It was just like in here.  _But at least in here, I don't have to worry about him.  About my father._  A rush of anger seared through clenching veins.  _He's made me this way.  Afraid of my own family.  He destroyed my life._

_(Everything you say to me)_

_Drives me one step closer to the edge_

_And I'm about to break_

_(I need a little room to breathe)_

_Cause I'm one step closer to the edge_

_I'm about to break_

_(Everything you say to me)_

_Drives me one step closer to the edge_

_And I'm about to break_

_(I need a little room to breathe)_

_Cause I'm one step closer to the edge_

_And I'm about to...break_

Shinji's fist trembled.  _He took everything away from me.  Took my peace...my freedom..._  The entire arm was twitching now.  _He took my life.  My pride.  My happiness._

With a  low whirring noise, the combat simulation began to run within the Eva.  Lights flashed before him, and Shinji looked past them to the virtual battlefield waiting for him.  A generic Angel stood in the midst of Tokyo-3, staring blankly.  The pilot's eyes widened before narrowed to slits, his face distorting into a mask that could barely repress the hatred underneath.  As one simple thought passed through his consciousness, the mask disappeared entirely.

_You will feel my pain._

Suddenly the Eva was upon its prey.  Slamming into its chest with the force of a bomb's blast, Shinji landed a second kick that sent the Angel flying into and through a skyscraper.  Metal beams collided with others, and then the Eva's purple shell; its forearm ground along a vertical pillar, sending an shrill screech through the digitized air.

A heavy thud resounded through the construct as the Eva's fists, joined together, connected with the Angel's chest plate.  Again and again they pounded into the weakening armor-covered flesh.  Pieces of metal girders fell from high up to harmlessly bounce off of the frenzied assailant.  Undeterred, the brutality continued onward.

_SHUT UP WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU!_

_...SHUT UP!_

_...SHUT UP!_

_...SHUT UP!_

_SHUT UP WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU!_

For a brief second, the assault ceased.  Recovering from the barrage, the Angel swung an ungainly arm at the Eva.  It glanced off, doing no physical damage.  So shocked was Shinji at this impudence that he froze for a moment before the anger could return.  Adrenaline burned through his body as murderous rage filled his mind.  Suddenly, with a sickening splatter, the Angel's entrails painted the half-destroyed walls behind it.  Looking down in a gesture that mocked human pain, it found a steel beam where its organs should have been.  Unit 01 gripped it tightly and wrenched the shaft out.  Its bloodsoaked tip swung back for more.

_SHUT UP!_

Misato's static-ridden screams for Shinji to stop were lost in the clanging of metal on bone.  For the second time, that makeshift club crushed in the misshapen limbs, reversing joints and bursting blood vessels.  Where the gigantic fingers clutched their weapon, ten separate forcibly collapsed imprints formed.  Inside, Shinji's white-knuckled hands clutched the controls and thrust forward again.

_SHUT UP!_

The Angel was dying quickly now.  Somewhere in Shinji's mind, that should have told him that he had won, that he could stop.  All it meant to him now was that he had to work faster.  The beam swung vertically and hit at the right shoulder.  Once more to the same spot, and a liquidic crunch signaled that it was time to move on.

_SHUT UP!    _

A thoroughly red length of metal hit the ground.  Above, the Evangelion held aloft a mass of meat and viscera as it quivered spasmodically.  Its empty eyes gazed onward at the creature taking its life.  Somewhere in its featureless face, Shinji saw familiarity.  His hands tightened around the Angel's neck.  Raising it above his head, the Eva's gargantuan arms bent the creature on itself lengthwise and pushed.

_SHUT UP!...I'M ABOUT TO BREAK!_

A guttural scream of primal, animal rage echoed through the vacant city as, with a deep crack, the bright crimson rain gushed down over Unit 01.  A fragment of the S2 organ smeared and trailed down the canopy and dropped, with the rest of the mutilated pile, to the Eva's feet.  Shinji tasted the blood and involuntarily licked his lips.  As the displays faded back into darkness, an unseen feral grin spread across his face.

_(Everything you say to me)_

_Drives me one step closer to the edge_

_And I'm about to break_

_(I need a little room to breathe)_

_Cause I'm one step closer to the edge_

_I'm about to break_

_(Everything you say to me)_

_Drives me one step closer to the edge_

_And I'm about to break_

_(I need a little room to breathe)_

_Cause I'm one step closer to the edge_

_And I'm about to...break_

            Later, Shinji would remember the slowness with which they ejected the plug.  He'd look back and see their faces, disbelieving stares mingled with shock.  How they kept out of his way.  How no one dared touch him.  How he was feared.  And how he was invincible.  They had seen what he was really capable of, and it terrified them.

            He would remember walking out of the cage and the locker room, past the offices, and to the exit; and he would remember watching Rei looking back at him through the window in the moving elevator to the surface, gazing back fearfully at someone she had never seen before.


	3. With You

Chapter Three: With You

            Shinji opened his eyes to stare at the ceiling.  The dream faded from his mind quickly and thrust him back into the inhospitable real world.  This morning didn't even afford him the blissful moment of neutrality most did, the moment before the actions of the previous day caught up with him.  There was no surprise, as he'd been dreading this feeling since those eyes had closed.  He was a monster.  And he was afraid.

            What have I done? he thought.  I've become what I hate and others fear. He bolted upright in his bed.  Others like Rei...

            Panic overtook him, the panic of one about to be caught in the act of some horrid crime.  But he already had been caught, by her, by himself.  By everyone at NERV.  It was common knowledge now that he had snapped.  Unlike the release he'd felt yesterday, this morning the others' fear infected him as well.  While he sat there, frozen, he knew that he had to get up.  He had to repair the damage.

            Quickly pulling on some clothes, Shinji snuck through the apartment to the door.  He was afraid of others being afraid of him, and so moved stealthily outward.  The door panel slid shut behind him, and despite its relative silence it seemed deafening.

            He walked a few paces forward and turned left.  Her apartment door loomed over him threateningly.  For some reason, right then Shinji thought of the dream with his father.  His hand moved up to touch the electronic doorbell and stopped a few inches away.  It hovered there unsteadily, shaking, and moved not.

            Come on...you can do this, he thought.  Nothing's changed.  Just go in there and tell her you're sorry.  It's that easy.  She loves you, she'll forgive you.  Besides, she knows why you're so angry, right?  This was going easy on the bastard.  And it wasn't even him I hurt.  I didn't hurt anyone.  It was just a simulation, a program.  So hurry up and go finish this thing.  How hard can it be?

            He stood there, alone in the silence.

_I woke up in a dream today, to the cold of the static_

_And put my cold feet on the floor_

_(Forgot all about yesterday)_

_Remembering, I'm pretending to be where I'm not anymore_

_(A little taste of hypocrisy)_

_And I'm left in the wake of the mistakes, slow to react_

_And even though you're so close to me, you're still so distant_

_And I can't bring you back_

            Shinji's finger came away from the button quickly, recoiling in fear.  He turned to run but stopped himself.  The door opened.

            Rei took a step back, the expectant look gone and one of panic in its place.  Her hand jumped toward the door handle and hung there, halfway.  Slowly she lowered it to her side.  "Shinji."

            "Rei.  I...I need to talk with you."

            She paused for a moment, and nodded, walking back into her living room.  Her eyes passed once more over the lock.

            Shinji took a seat in one of the newer chairs, one he and Rei had picked together long ago.  She sat on the couch.  "Rei," he began.  She looked up to meet his gaze and found it directed squarely at the ground.  "I..."  A hesitant sigh.  "About yesterday.  I'm sorry."

            "Sorry for what?" she said, knowing exactly what for.

            "That thing, in the combat sim.  I snapped.  I'm sorry.  It...it wasn't me in there.  I don't know what happened.  One minute I'm just gearing up for the session, the next, I go berserk," he lied.  "I saw how you looked at me after.  I'm sorry."

    "It's okay.  I wasn't afraid," she said, her voice faltering.

    "No, you were, and it's my fault.  I shouldn't have...let it out."  As soon as he said it, he knew he never should have, and hid his eyes from her searching gaze.

    After a long silence, Rei spoke again.  Her words came slowly and deliberately, and it was obvious that she thought deeply about each one.  "Let what out?"

    Shinji clenched his eyes shut, trying to keep his secret safe.  In the darkness, set against the afterimage of the windows on the far wall, he saw her still.

_It's true, the way I feel_

_Was promised by your face_

_The sound of your voice, painted on my memories_

_Even if you're not with me_

_I'm with you_

_You, now I see, keeping everything inside_

_(With you)_

_You, now I see, even when I close my eyes_

    "I don't know," he said, still avoiding her.

    "It's okay, you can tell me."

    "No it's not, you can't understand.  No one can."

    "Shinji, please.  You're hiding something.  Let me help you."

    "No.  You don't know what you're talking about."

    "Please," she said, reaching out to touch him.  "I just want to help you--"

    "No!" he yelled, jerking away from her.  The chair toppled to the floor.  Shinji stumbled back and fell through a glass stereo cabinet door.  He hit the wall and sank down, a thin ribbon of blood already trailing from his right forearm.  As he reached for the top of the cabinet for support, his arm dragged along the white walls, and they stained bright red.

    "Shinji!" she cried, rushing to his side.  But as she grew closer, Shinji crawled away.

    "No!  Get away from me!"  He limped toward the door, holding his arm.

    "Please don't go!  Shinji!"

            The door slammed shut behind him.

_I hit you and you hit me back_

_And we fall to the floor; the rest of the day stands still_

_(Fine line between this and that)_

_But when things go wrong, I pretend that the past isn't real_

_(I'm trapped in this memory)_

_And I'm left in the wake of the mistakes, slow to react_

_So even though you're close to me, you're still so distant_

_And I can't bring you back_

    Shinji's hand slid off the cold steel of his room's doorknob.  Droplets of blood fell from it onto the carpet as the hot tears fell from his eyes onto the pillow.  He clutched it tightly, muffling his sobs, wanting to be with Rei as strongly as he feared the thought of facing her again.

    What have I done? he repeated.  I destroyed her home, I pushed her away, I gave her another reason to fear me.  Hell, I gave me another reason to fear me.  Everything I touch ends up ruined.  I'm toxic to her.  I should just stay away.

    He rolled over.  But I can't just leave.  I need her.  But for what?  I can only hurt her.  She deserves to be free of me.  She deserves better.  So what am I supposed to do, just leave her?  That'd just hurt her too.  So what the hell am I supposed to do?  He sighed.  Maybe my father was right to abandon me.  Maybe I am worthless.

    My father.

    It all comes back to my father.

    He did this to me.  He poisoned me, ruined me.  He's the reason I'm damaged like this.  He's the reason I keep hurting Rei.  He hurt her.  He twisted her into what she used to be, what she still is just behind her smile.  He is her suffering.

    A few threads on the sewn edge of the pillow ripped slowly.

_It's true, the way I feel_

_Was promised by your face_

_The sound of your voice, painted on my memories_

_Even if you're not with me_

_I'm with you_

_You, now I see, keeping everything inside_

_(With you)_

_You, now I see, even when I close my eyes_

_(With you)_

_You, now I see, keeping everything inside_

_(With you)_

_You, now I see, even when I close my eyes_

            So what am I going to do?

            Shinji rolled over to stare vacantly at the ceiling.  I can't run away.  I mustn't run away.  But I can't keep doing this to her…what's left?  Where can I go that no one ends up hurt?  This is it, I guess.  Here in my room, lights off, door locked, alone.  That way she'll be safe.

            From what, me?  Is that how things work now, loving her by leaving her?  But that's always been the order of things, really.  The only way I know of showing affection for someone is by leaving them alone so they don't have to bother with me.  Wonder where I learned that, he thought bitterly.

            Exhaling, he closed his eyes.  I don't want this anymore.  Take me away from here, anyone.  Take me to a place where this is all over.  I can't get there on my own.

_No, no matter how far we've come_

_I can't wait to see tomorrow_

_No matter how far we've come, I_

I can't wait to see tomorrow 

_With you_

_You, now I see, keeping everything inside_

_(With you)_

_You, now I see, even when I close my eyes_

_(With you)_

_You, now I see, keeping everything inside_

_(With you)_

_You, now I see, even when I close my eyes_

            "Is he still in there?  Pathetic."

            Asuka rose from the chair she'd been sitting in since Shinji burst into the apartment in tears.  She didn't move from her spot then, instead listening in silently.  Now her eyes fell upon the red spots in the carpeting, trailing into his cave, and found in them an opportunity for amusement.  Grinning fiendishly, she exited to the outside walkway.


	4. Points of Authority

(Author's Note: "Hybrid Theory" uses several unreleased versions of its component songs, which may contain alternate lyrics. This is the first of them. I feel they assist the story's emotional draw, and strongly suggest that you find and listen to them; even though it is unnecessary to the enjoyment of the story, they are all at least as good as the final version.)

Chapter Four: Points of Authority

_Forfeit the game, stop the talk show_

_Primed up to what you're taught to know_

_Forfeit the game, 'cause tomorrow_

_When it's all done, you reap what you sow_

For the first time, spite entered Rei's apartment. She closed the door behind her with just enough calculated force to make her presence known, scanning the entryway with the prowling eyes of a predator. The apartment was unusually well furnished, at least compared to what she'd expected from Rei. If it corresponded to her personality, she thought, there wouldn't be a single piece of color in the house. Then again, these days the doll had seemed more talkative around everyone else. Must still be as smug and conceited as she always was if she won't speak more than a few words around me.

The first child was in the next room, kneeling amidst a sea of broken glass. She was collecting the many liquid-streaked slivers into a pile. It couldn't have been started more than a few moments before. She watched Asuka walk in, and said nothing.

"What happened in here?" she exclaimed.

Rei looked back to the floor and picked up another large shard.

"Well?" She leaned casually against the wall, close enough to both the girl and the bloodstain to cause discomfort. "Aren't you going to explain it all away?" Rei glanced up again. Asuka saw in her eyes that she'd gotten her attention.

_You love the way I look at you_

_While taking pleasure in the awful things you put me through_

_You take away if I give in_

_My life, my pride, is broken_

"There is nothing to explain," she said coldly, and resumed gathering the myriad pieces.

"Oh isn't there?" Asuka pointed idly at the length of crimson beside her, still wet near the lower edge. "I suppose that sort of thing just happens, then. Or have you been cutting up again?"

Rei stopped.

"I've heard the rumors, you know. Everyone has. About how you tried to off yourself? Most of NERV thinks you did it, you know. Of course, officially it was an error in communication. But it does make one wonder just why you're holding that sharp glass so tightly."

Releasing her grip somewhat, Rei stood to face her attacker. "What do you want?"

_You like to think you're never wrong (You live what you've learned)_

_You have to act like you're someone (You live what you've learned)_

_You want someone to hurt like you (You live what you've learned)_

_You want to share what you've been through (You live what you've learned)_

"Nothing at all," she said through a fake, sardonic smile. "I was just worried, that's all." She paused to wait for a response, and finding none, went on. "Shinji seemed very upset just now. He's barricaded himself in his room again. I just hoped nothing had happened here to cause it…"

"I'll ask you again. Why are you here?"

Asuka chuckled wryly. "Always the skeptic. Fine, then…" She searched for another weapon. "I hear more chatter at NERV than just what concerns you. According to some of it, I understand that yesterday our hero Shinji had a little…altercation during a training sim." Rei remained silent. "Made quite a mess from the sound of it. Tell me…is it true he killed?"

"No," she said solidly.

"Really? How disappointing." Asuka toyed with a drop of drying blood, nonchalantly smearing it with her finger. "For a minute I almost thought he'd developed a spine."

"He is not a coward."

"Is that so. Then tell me, why is he hiding in his room?" She didn't answer. "Maybe I'll go ask."

"You will do no such thing."

Asuka laughed aloud. "Well now. Getting a tad aggressive, hmm?" Her eyes were alive with the thrill of the hunt, and a fire burned behind them. "And what, dear wondergirl, do you intend to do to stop me? Should I be worried about that bloody glass you're holding? Are you going to cut me too?"

_You love the things I say I'll do_

_The way I hurt myself again just to get back at you_

_You take away when I give in_

_My life, my pride, is broken_

_You like to think you're never wrong (You live what you've learned)_

_You have to act like you're someone (You live what you've learned)_

_You want someone to hurt like you (You live what you've learned)_

_You want to share what you've been through (You live what you've learned)_

Asuka's muscles were tensed. Adrenaline coursed through her body. So close to the kill, just seconds away from finally taking that stupid doll out of competition…she stood, planted defiantly. And then, in an instant, her perfect plans shattered to the ground to the sound of breaking glass. Rei left the transparent dagger lying on the floor, and calmly passed the tigress at the doorway.

"Hah! You're both cowards!" she cried. "Run away just like your pathetic Shinji! Cowards!"

The only reply was the soft thud of the door.

_Forfeit the game, stop the talk show_

_Primed up to what you're taught to know_

_Forfeit the game, 'cause tomorrow_

_When it's all done, reap what you sow_

_You like to think you're never wrong (Forfeit the game) You live what you've learned_

_You have to act like you're someone (Forfeit the game) You live what you've learned_

You want someone to hurt like you (Forfeit the game) You live what you've learned 

_You want to share what you've been through_

_You live what you've learned_

Asuka stood staring at the door, her rage boiling over. With a feral scream, she hurled a nearby book through the other glass plate. A shimmering typhoon engulfed the latter half of the room, led by the heavy novel as it smashed into the wall. As the silence gradually returned, she fell to the floor and wept, whispering quietly.

"Cowards…"


	5. Crawling

Chapter Five: Crawling

The doorknob hadn't moved. Shinji didn't know how to feel about that. He dreaded someone entering as much as he desired it. But, for better or worse, it steadfastly refused to budge. So did Shinji. He hadn't bothered to tend to his arm, opting instead to lie there and let it bleed. The result was a winding network of living dye, criss-crossing wildly on the cotton sheets. For the most part, the cuts had ceased their ruddy perspiration. He wasn't sure how to feel about that, either.

"I deserve this." His words seemed to echo in the empty room, returning to share their agreement.

How did all this start? he thought. It's so familiar now. But I know it isn't normal. Something had to cause it. No…someone. My father. I remember the day he abandoned me as if it was yesterday. A bag of my belongings, toppled at my side, clothes old and threadbare... they're still so clear in my mind. And I was alone. That was the clearest point of all to me, that I had no one left. The world was so big and scary, and I was so small. Sitting there, crying like the child I was, I watched friends and couples passing by with smiles on their faces that I felt no connection with. Like I was locked away from the rest of the world. Like now.

_Crawling in my skin_

_These wounds, they will not heal_

_Fear is how I fall_

_Confusing what is real_

Nothing has changed. I'm still that crying infant. The only difference is in where my tears land. There's still no one to dry them. Even Rei is too far away to help me now. Or am I just not letting her? Maybe that's part of it. It's not as if she doesn't know the kind of pain you're dealing with, and don't you dare believe she doesn't. If you think that, you're just a selfish fool. But that's true anyway, isn't it? You could be over there helping clean up the mess you've made of her home. Was she injured too, did you even think about that? Why aren't you doing what's best for her?

Shinji rolled over to face the wall, curling up tightly to try and shut out the thoughts. "I can't. I just can't. I'm sorry, Rei."

_There's something inside me that pulls beneath the surface_

___

  
Consuming, confusing

  
This lack of self control I find so overwhelming

  
Controlling, I can't seem

  
To find the strength within, my walls are closing in

  
(Without a sense of confidence and I'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take)

  
I've felt this way before, so insecure...

__Crawling in my skin_

_These wounds, they will not heal_

_Fear is how I fall_

_Confusing what is real_

What am I looking for, sympathy? Is it forgiveness? I don't deserve those. But I don't deserve to live, either, and I keep on doing that. Is this a stolen life, is it right to keep it? He sighed. It doesn't matter. I couldn't walk away from it if I tried. I'm a coward.

Why do I keep saying things like that, is it some twisted form of apology? But why apologize to myself until I'm trying to get my own forgiveness? Is that what I want? "Fine then," he said aloud. "I forgive you, it's okay." He gave the words time to sink in. "This is stupid. I don't feel anything."

Then maybe I just want to hear those words from my father. I remember how wonderful it felt when he told me I had done well, even if not face to face. I relished those few syllables of praise, kept them with me as long as I could. They were freeing. They made me feel alive. But they also enslaved me…I needed to hang on to them just to feel good about myself. Being an addict is no way to live.

I know it wasn't always like this. Though I can't remember much about the years before my mother died, I know they were good times. My father, he was a different man back then, and I didn't fear being with him at all. Between the two of them, I was never far from a pair of welcoming arms to hold me, or someone to laugh and play with me.

You really are still a child, he thought, rising. At long last, the door opened. The rest of the apartment was terribly and mercifully deserted, the only light coming from the gray skies outside. He walked through the dark room to the kitchen in search of a glass of water for his parched throat. On the way, he caught a glimpse of himself in a windowpane.

The shock was far greater than he could have expected. His reflection appeared absolutely depraved. Darkened rings framed his nearly shut eyes, staring forward blankly. His clothes were wrinkled like the tattered rags of a madman. One arm had an indistinct pattern of dirty maroon scratches covering most of its surface. He looked like someone ready to kill.

Is this what she saw yesterday? he thought. Is that who I'm becoming? Shinji stumbled back from the crazed beast, holding the counter for support. Forgetting entirely about the drink, he headed for the door with only one thought on his mind: escape.

_Discomfort endlessly has laid itself upon me  
Distracting, reacting  
Against my will I stand beside my own reflection  
It's haunting, how I can't seem_

_To find the strength within, my walls are closing in  
(Without a sense of confidence and I'm convinced that there's just too much pressure to take)  
I've felt this way before, so insecure..._

Outside, the first splashes of rain hit the sidewalk at Shinji's feet. He barely noticed. His wet treaded footprints quickly grew farther apart, trailing down one street and then another, through puddles and curbs. Soon he disappeared from view completely, running aimlessly into the world of solitude.

_Raindrops hit the rhythm on the pavement and drip from the blacktop into the basement_

_Traces of the rain pervade this to erase your hate and take this from the fakeness_

_Raindrops (to find the strength again, my walls are closing in)_

_Traces of the rain pervade this to erase your hate and take this from the fakeness_

_Raindrops (I've felt this way before, so insecure)_

_Traces of the rain pervade this to erase your hate and take this from the fakeness_

_Crawling in my skin_

_These wounds, they will not heal_

_Fear is how I fall_

_Confusing what is real_


	6. Runaway

Chapter Six: Runaway

It was cold. The black, sunless skies dumping frigid rain on everything in sight had not relented since Shinji entered their range. Had he given thought to ways of keeping himself warm, it would have been obvious that sitting down to rest, while an attractive concept, would only worsen the problem. Shinji had not thought of this, but it was of no consequence. He trudged onward for different reason altogether.

His mind was totally occupied with maintaining its blankness. In the bleak surroundings, this was no issue. There was nothing to see anyway. Harsh halogen streetlights stood at regular, boring intervals along the sides of each sidewalk he traversed, showing off the utter nothingness Shinji's eyes took in.

Coming to a gap in the brick edifice, he arbitrarily wandered into an alley. Normally he wouldn't even think of entering a shadowy place like this alone, but both these descriptors were moot at this point. Loneliness was a given, and darkness was the norm. Lazily shifting his eyes up from the cracked concrete, Shinji noticed a spray-painted tapestry bonded to the bricks, colors flowing and weaving through each other. He paused to stare at it for a moment, and walked away.

It doesn't matter, he thought. Nobody cares. Someone's going to wash it away soon enough. And whoever created it will only be told how stupid it was to sneak out at night to waste a can of paint. In a few weeks, no one will even remember that it existed. He exhaled contemptuously. If I die tonight, the same will be true of me.

_Graffiti decorations  
Under a sky of dust  
A constant wave of tension  
On top of broken trust  
All the lessons that you taught me  
I learned were never true  
Now I find myself in question  
(They point the finger at me again)  
Guilty by association  
(You point the finger at me again)_

_I want to run away, never say goodbye  
I want to know the truth, instead of wondering why  
I want to know the answers, no more lies  
I want to shut the door, and open up my mind_

Emerging from the alley, Shinji saw a bright cluster of lights off to his right. Upbeat music projected out the double doors while people talked noisily amongst themselves, the occasional raucous laugh interrupting an otherwise constant stream of chatter. Instinctively, Shinji turned left.

As the commotion faded away behind him, pangs of envy pervaded the gloom. They all seemed so mindlessly happy, without a care in the world, dancing the night away and never questioning what the next morning would bring. They had no one to report back to. They were free. Shinji hated it.

Several dripping streetlights later, another sound stopped his slow progress to nowhere. Above him; he looked up at an apartment's slightly opened window. It was a bedroom, the walls adorned with posters and band logos. Their owner stood staring out through the streaked glass while someone—his father, thought Shinji immediately—towered behind him, blocking the door. The elder one's yelling was muffled by the window, which was mostly slid shut, so Shinji couldn't make out exactly what was being said. An inexplicable curiosity compelled him to stay and watch.

The black-clad teenager didn't break his vacant stare even as the yells grew louder. Demanding respect, the father angrily strode across the room and spun his son around to make him listen. The youth muttered something and pushed the heavy hand off his shoulder. Enraged, he brought his fist back and struck the boy across the face. Shinji winced.

The boy just stood there, refusing to respond. Why don't you do something? thought Shinji. Hit him back! Don't you get it? You don't have to take that from him!

But he still didn't move. Shinji released his clenched fist and let his arm fall back to his side. Why do I care? It's not my problem. It's not my father. Besides, even if it was I wouldn't do anything. I can't. I'm no better than that kid up there.

His eyes pulled away from the window as another stinging impact signaled the time for him to move on.

_Paper bags and angry voices  
Under a sky of dust  
Another wave of tension  
Has more than filled me up  
All my talk of taking action  
These words were never true  
Now I find myself in question  
(They point the finger at me again)  
We're all guilty by association  
(You point the finger at me again )_

_I want to run away, never say goodbye  
I want to know the truth, instead of wondering why  
I want to know the answers, no more lies  
I want to shut the door, and open up my mind_

The apartment building disappeared into the distance, but the emotion emanating from it would not. He had felt it when the boy was hit; he still did, as if it was his own cheek that bruised. Shinji tried to focus on the constant pattern of rain hits on the asphalt, or the rhythmic steps of his shadow, but nothing could distract him from the familiarity of the situation.

Beat me, he remembered thinking long ago. Bludgeon me to death. Leave scars all over my body. Just end the tension of wondering whether I can hate you yet.

He kicked a rock out of his path and watched it vanish into the night. I want an end to this. He won't leave me alone, and I can't stay here. If I have to run, so be it. I don't give a damn anymore. Not about Misato and her encouragement to stay, not about a love that only produces pain. I don't want any of that anymore. Just leave me alone and let me disappear.

_I'm gonna run away, and never say goodbye  
Gonna run away, gonna run away…I'm gonna run away, gonna run away_

_I'm gonna run away, and never wonder why_

_Gonna run away, gonna run away…I'm gonna run away, gonna run away_

_I'm gonna run away, and open up my mind_

_Gonna run away, gonna run away (mind) I'm gonna run away, gonna run away (mind)_

_I'm gonna run away, gonna run away (mind) I'm gonna run away, gonna run away_

_I want to run away, never say goodbye  
I want to know the truth, instead of wondering why  
I want to know the answers, no more lies  
I want to shut the door, and open up my mind_

_I want to run away (and open up my mind)_

_I want to run away (and open up my mind)_

_I want to run away (and open up my mind)_

_I want to run away, and open up my mind_


	7. By Myself

Chapter Seven: By Myself

Shinji was still walking, and the pavement was still rippling with swirls of fresh rainwater. Each step brought with it another set of concentric waves and another reminder that he was growing tired. Time was a notion that had left his mind long ago, but it seemed that he'd been wandering these wet streets for years.

Conditions within were no more favorable. Despite his every effort, Shinji couldn't stop thinking about why he was here. Mere evasion didn't seem to lead to anything, but as he well knew, he wasn't running _to_ anywhere. This was a simple act of self-preservation, of trying to keep himself alive or, at the very least, appearing as such. To who wasn't the important part; if no one saw him, no one could hate him.

He shivered. It was colder than before. His soaked clothes clung to his body, offering no shelter. He hadn't felt cold like this since the last dream, standing there before his enemy, terrified. At the rate things had been going downhill, it wasn't entirely unlikely to expect his father's appearance now, cutting of the last means of escape.

_What do I do to ignore what's behind me?  
Do I follow my fate to escape blindly?  
Do I hide my pride away from these bad dreams  
And give in to sad thoughts that are maddening?_

The way things are going downhill now, she thought, I'd expect Misato to walk in now and complicate things. Asuka looked over to the door, which remained shut, and back to the rain-streaked window clearly visible from Rei's oversized chair. It was far too grandiose for her; only I deserve a throne like this, she thought, smirking.

She had quickly regained her composure after shattering the glass panel, an action from which, in retrospect, she took great pride. That reassurance came conveniently bundled with her brimming egotism, and let her know that her position as resident queen remained secure. "Not that I need it," she said aloud as if to convince herself. "That frigid doll was never competition to me. Sure, Shinji chose her, but so what? Obviously it's just because he couldn't have me."

Couldn't he have? she thought. You would have welcomed his advances if he'd ever made any. "Yeah, right. That loser? I don't want anything to do with him or his plaything."

But you want what they have, don't you? "Of course not," she denied. "They're just slaves to each other, always ready to give unto death just to keep the other happy. Let them lose themselves, but leave me out of it. I'm perfectly fine by myself."

If that's true, she countered, then why did you come here in the first place? You came to talk so you wouldn't be alone. "That's idiocy. I came here to find out why that child Shinji was crying, and nothing more."

You can't keep deceiving yourself, you know. "I'm not," she stated factually. "This is the truth, and seeing that is easy."

Then why are you always so exhausted? she thought. Silence settled on the room as she searched for an answer.

_Do I sit here and try to stand it?  
Or do I try to catch them red-handed?  
Do I trust some and get fooled by phoniness,  
Or do I trust none and live life in loneliness?  
'Cause sunlight burns the skin of sleeping men  
I make the right moves but I'm lost within  
I put on my daily facade but then  
I just end up getting hurt again by myself_

The answers still won't come, thought Shinji. And the questions still won't stop. Why am I doing this? There's nothing to gain from running, that's what Misato's been telling me since the beginning. But I know I can't stay, and now I can't go back, so this is my only option. Running away...this is a pathetic life.

I keep trying to cover everything, he thought, to be certain that absolutely no one can hurt me. I keep my distance from Rei so I can't remind myself what my hate does to her. I stay away from my father so he can't tell me how useless I am. I'm defending against all sides just to isolate myself, and I've been over how futile that is already. I need others, but I need to survive just as much.

_Myself / I ask why, in my mind I find I can't rely on myself  
Myself / and I ask why, in my mind I find I can't rely on myself  
I can't hold on (to what I want when I'm stretched so thin)  
It's all too much to take in  
I can't hold on (to anything watching everything spin)  
With thoughts of failure sinking in_

I can't drop those walls, not even for a second. If I do, they'll kill me. I'll kill me. Is there another option? Shinji sat down on a curb, watching a narrow river maneuver around his shoes. All my life, people have been telling me what I have to do. I'm not used to this. I suppose Misato would tell me to come home and go to bed so I'll be ready for work tomorrow, but that's not possible now. No going back, remember?

He sighed. Maybe it's just a matter of reputation, of making people admire me for my decisiveness, that I won't go back. But then again, if I do return, they'll just tell me I'm a fool for running in the first place.

_If I turn my back I'm defenseless  
And to give into fate seems senseless  
If I hide my pride and let it all go on, then they'll  
Take from me 'till everything is gone_

"Shinji is such a fool," said Asuka. "He's always running back to the safety of his room, like that's going to help things." But he's still far happier with her than you are alone... "I said already, I don't care about them. That's not happiness. And besides, why would I measure myself against a couple of cowards?"

But are they the ones afraid to stop lying?

"I am not afraid," she told herself with more than a little anger. "And I am not avoiding anything. I'm tired of these damn questions that don't lead anywhere, and these obviously don't. Come on, Asuka, you're smarter than this. Just ignore it."

Whatever you have to tell yourself, she thought.

_If I let them go I'll be outdone  
But if I try to catch them I'll be outrun  
If I'm killed by the questions like a cancer  
Then I'll be buried in the silence of the answer  
By myself_

_Myself / I ask why, in my mind I find I can't rely on myself  
Myself / and I ask why, in my mind I find I can't rely on myself  
I can't hold on (to what I want when I'm stretched so thin)  
It's all too much to take in  
I can't hold on (to anything watching everything spin)  
With thoughts of failure sinking in_

What do I have to tell myself to make something change? Shinji had gone back to walking through the rainy streets, and predictably, the questions followed him. They were beginning to grow his frustration into anger. Always someone else has been my force for change, and I just kept up. Now everyone is gone...I've lost the ability to move on. I say I'm running away, but even that's a fallacy. I'm just running in circles. And for what? I can't be close to someone even in the same room as them! I can't feel anyone anymore, it's all just a bunch of lies and pictures of what I can't have!

"How could you do this to me, father?" Shinji yelled, dropping to the ground. "What the hell are you doing to my life!?"

_How do you think...I've lost so much  
I'm so afraid...that I'm out of touch  
How do you expect...I will know what to do  
When all I know...is what you tell me to  
Don't you (know) I can't tell you how to make it (go)  
No matter what I do, how hard I (try)  
I can't seem to convince myself (why)  
I'm stuck on the outside_

"Just leave me alone," Asuka told herself. "Drop these stupid questions." They're all I can think about, though... "That's no excuse. Stop running away or you're no better than that coward, Shinji."

"I hate him..." She looked down at the jagged, broken mess she'd made of something beautiful. "And I'm just like him." A drop like the rain hit one of the shards. "I hate myself...I hate everything."

_I can't hold on (to what I want when I'm stretched so thin)  
It's all too much to take in  
I can't hold on (to anything watching everything spin)  
With thoughts of failure sinking in_


	8. In The End

Chapter Eight: In The End

The first child brushed a lock of damp blue hair from her eyes. The rain was slowing, she noted.

For several hours now Rei had searched these streets. She knew he would be out here, somewhere, the same way months before she had known of his plans to end his life. An image of his blood-darkened bed flashed into consciousness, and she quickened her pace.

He was shutting her out. Rei felt that quite clearly. It wasn't just her, though—neither of them understood the connection well enough for that—but he was still trying to force everything away. It was for that reason that the search was taking so long. Normally, she could easily sense Shinji's presence wherever he was, but today he had disappeared, and it worried her.

Rei periodically found herself scanning the ground for some kind of trail to indicate where she should go to reach Shinji. Each time she was reminded that there were no tracks, no easy way of finding him. If there had been any before, the rain had washed them away and left nothing behind. Finding Shinji was as difficult for her as it was for him.

The dark clouds still hovered menacingly overhead, hiding the stars and dimming the light of the moon. Though night was a time of tranquility, and one that she often favored over day, this particular night had an unsettling quality to it. She couldn't quite give a name to the reason why, but it brought back memories far darker than the inky blackness all around her. There was an atmosphere of sorrow, unfamiliar to neither youth, and though most of the city's residents didn't feel it, Rei could sense nothing else.

_(It starts with)_

_One, and multiplies till you can taste the sun_

_And burnt by the sky you try to take it from_

_But if it falls, there's no place to run_

_Crumbling down, it's_

_(So unreal)_

_They're dealing you in to determine your end_

_And sending you back again to places you've been_

_And bending your will till it breaks you within_

_And still they_

_(Fill their eyes)_

_With the twilight through the skylight in the highlights on a frame of steel_

_See the brightness of your likeness as I write this on a pad with the  
(Way I feel)_

_Hear the screaming, am I dreaming, 'cause it's seeming that you've played your part_

_Like you're heartless, take apart this, in the darkness, but I know that I_

_Tried so hard, and got so far_

_In the end, it doesn't even matter_

_I had to fall, to lose it all_

_In the end, it doesn't even matter_

The street opened up into a large courtyard. In this heavily urban setting, it could almost be considered a park, albeit one devoid of a single square foot of green. Park benches were spaced evenly around the exterior. Asleep on one near the opposite end was a fragile figure, curled up tightly. It was him.

"Shinji!" she called out. Rei ran to him, at his side before his weary eyes opened. He was a mess, cold and soaked through; one forearm had dried rivulets of blood stopping just above the wrist. She wrapped her arms around him anyway.

Shinji squinted at her streetlight-silhouetted form, his mind in a haze. "Rei?" He wanted to return the embrace, but the recent doubts made him hesitate. "How did you find me?"

She sat by his side, close enough for her relative warmth to be felt through the layers of chill, wet fabric. "It wasn't easy. I have been looking for you for a long time."

Though she spoke kindly, Shinji felt pangs of guilt. She's been inconvenienced by me again, he thought. "I'm sorry."

Rei looked confused. "For what?"

"It's my fault that you're out here instead of at home, asleep." He looked away, down at a still puddle on the pavement. "You shouldn't have come for me."

"I didn't come because I thought it was required," Rei said. "I was worried, so I searched for you."

"I didn't mean to make you worry. I'm sorry."

This was why he ran, she thought. He feels guilty about my apartment. Or does it go farther back? The simulation, is he ashamed of that? "It's okay," she said.

"No," he started, catching himself. Why can't I just accept forgiveness? I don't deserve it, that's why. I won't steal that from her. "I'm sorry," he repeated.

It hurt to see him like this. Rei reached out and took his hand in hers. She felt a short twitch, like he was going to pull away, but he didn't. "Shinji…what's wrong?"

"I don't…I can't tell you. It's nothing," he said, shuffling through his excuses. I'm running again. Even from her.

"Why not?" she pressed. "It doesn't make any difference what it is. I won't feel any differently about you. Trust me."

"I do," he said quickly, and just as quickly dropped back. "But…" Shinji searched, trying to find the words to tell her the truth without actually saying them. Tensely he tried to craft an explanation that could slip through the gaps in his defensive walls, allowing him to remain hidden and safe. As he knew would happen again, he failed. "…I'm sorry, Rei. I just…I can't. I don't know how to tell you."

Rei gazed deep into his eyes, and she understood. She said exactly what he was waiting to hear. "Tell me what you really want to say."

_I look down the line, and what's there is not what ought to be_

_Held back by the battles they fought for me_

_Calling me to be part of their property_

_And now I see that I_

_(Get no chance)_

_I get no break, fakes and snakes quickly lead to mistakes_

_And as the tightrope within slowly starts to thin_

_I can only hope that they_

_(Close their eyes)_

_To the twilight through the skylight in the highlights on a frame of steel_

_See the brightness of your likeness as I write this on a pad through the  
(Way I feel)_

_Hear the screaming, am I dreaming, as it's seeming that you've played your part_

_Like you're heartless, take apart this, in the darkness, but I know that I_

_Tried so hard, and got so far_

_In the end, it doesn't even matter_

_I had to fall, to lose it all_

_In the end, it doesn't even matter_

Within the walled recesses of his mind, Shinji saw in those few words an opportunity. He saw safety, beyond the barriers, and willing himself for once to move, he stepped on past and was not afraid. "Rei…" he said softly, tightening his hand around hers. This is it, he thought, your only chance. Take it.

"…I hate myself."

Shinji's eyes flickered up to survey hers, and found them overflowing with sympathy. Wordlessly she spurred him on, encouragingly, readily.

"I hate everything about myself," he said, moisture collecting at the edges of his vision. "I'm a coward, I'm a fool. I'm too scared to do anything but run. I'm alone. I'm nothing but a stupid incompetent _child_." Shinji spat the last word out in a vicious snarl. "I'm selfish, a brat. I say I love you and all I do is hurt you. I'm worthless," he said, tears forming and trickling down. "I'm an inconvenience. I'm a plague. I'm good for absolutely nothing, and I never will be! I have no future, no place I belong, no home, no family! I am nothing! And I hate everything!"

Shinji's screams echoed in the courtyard and flooded it, flowing out of him under the pressure of years and years of silence. His eyes were clenched shut, but Rei's reflected the pain of his every crashing wave.

"I'm a waste of time," he continued, holding his head in his hands, "a waste of your time. I can't do anything but cause you pain. I'm dragging you down just to feel better about myself. I'm pathetic. I'm disgusting…I'm a monster. I'm worthless."

_I put my trust in you, pushed as far as I can go_

_And for all this, there's only one thing you should know…_

_I put my trust in you, pushed as far as I can go_

_And for all this, there's only one thing you should know…_

_I tried so hard, and got so far_

_In the end, it doesn't even matter_

_I had to fall, to lose it all_

_In the end, it doesn't even matter_

Shinji collapsed, huddled and shaking, and felt Rei's hand slip out of his weakening grasp. As he sobbed, he sensed a cool palm on his cheek, turning his head toward Rei. He looked through teary eyes and saw her do the impossible. After all of it, after he hurt her, after he told her all of the reasons why she should just stand up and leave, she didn't. Rei pulled him close and passionately kissed him.

It didn't make any sense. Anyone in her place would have just walked away. Anyone else would have seen Shinji just as he saw himself. Yet through some miracle, through the most unshakeable perfect compassion, Rei saw past all that. She felt his tension and anxiety simply melt away, his body relaxing, his mind's self-destruction being slowly forgotten in the overwhelming peace that penetrated every wall he could ever put up and rested, at his core, to cradle and restore him with a warmth that quelled the rain's superficial chill.

Rei's lips parted from Shinji's, and she let his head fall to her shoulder. For a blissful, timeless eternity, they simply held each other closely. No words needed to be said.

At last, Shinji and Rei rose. He looked deep into her eyes with an expression of unmistakable gratitude, but now, it was free of the need to repay. A weary smile found his face, and they turned to walk home together.


	9. A Place For My Head

Chapter Nine: A Place For My Head

Vapors carrying the scent of freshly fallen rainwater rose from the cool asphalt, wafting unseen through the streets and back alleys. It was different from before, Shinji thought. Maybe the last few hours had produced a subtle atmospheric shift, enough to be noticed and enjoyed, or maybe he was just able to find anything pleasant through the clarity of release.

He was still undeniably euphoric, a smile unwilling to excuse itself from his face since Rei invited it. Between them, their hands remained intertwined, visible in the interplay of white moonlight and shadow. They swayed rhythmically with each tandem step.

Shinji couldn't remember the last time he had felt like this. It was…nice, he thought. Peaceful, even, as odd as it was to sense that. This is all I need: just her and me, and no one else.

Then, mitigated though it was by the moment's joy, his thoughts turned once again to the one person who could take his peace away. The smile vanished with a barely noticeable drop in the tempo of his footsteps. Rei glanced at him upon sensing the change. What's wrong? she thought.

Shinji sighed. "Rei…thank you, for what you did back there. I wish I could tell you how great it feels. But it's not complete, not yet. I can't stop thinking about my father. Even now, in this perfect moment with you…he's there, in the back of my mind, reminding me of all the things I said about myself."

"Those things were not true," she reminded him.

"Maybe not. But I keep hearing them from him, and every time I do, I believe them a little bit more."

Rei looked away, pausing contemplatively. "Do you know why?"

He shook his head, and glanced back to her expectantly. He was almost surprised that she didn't have an answer for him. "I guess…" he said, "…it's about how I feel toward him. He took everything away from me, but I can't escape feeling like I still owe him something."

Rei honestly hadn't expected that. They were close, but until today he had never really opened up about the things that mattered most. She did what she could: trying to learn enough about his pain to help further. Rei repeated, "Why?"

_I watch how the moon sits in the sky in the dark night, shining with the light from the sun  
The sun doesn't give light to the moon assuming that the moon's gonna owe it one  
It makes me think of how you act to me, you do / favors then rapidly  
You just turn around and start asking me about / things that you want back from me  
I'm sick of the tension, sick of the hunger  
Sick of you acting like I owe you this  
Find another place to feed your greed  
While I find a place to rest_

_I wanna be in another place  
I hate when you say you don't understand  
[You'll see it's not meant to be]  
I wanna be in the energy, not with the enemy  
A place for my head_

"I don't know," he said again, and again he thought for a moment and found the reason. "Our job, as pilots…I do it to hear my father tell me I did well. It's validation, I guess. Lets me believe that I deserve to be alive, and that I'm not worthless."

"You're not worthless," Rei said. "Far from it. You are worth more to me than anything."

Shinji smiled briefly, but it faded with a sigh. "Still…I don't know," he said, uncertain of whether or not he could tell her everything. It's been a day of firsts, he thought; why not keep going? "I love you, Rei, and I want to believe that's enough. But until I'm free of him, I can't be who I want to be. I'm—"

"Don't apologize," she said, stopping him mid-guilt. He'd progressed so much in the last few hours, but old habits die hard, and none disappear as quickly as that. "This is not something you started, and even if it was, I would help you finish it."

Shinji almost blushed. This kind of acceptance took time to seem normal again, as did Rei's straightforwardness in offering it, and he wasn't quite there yet. "Thank you. But I won't ever know who I am until I do this. Either he and I are totally separate or he stays a part of me. And I can't become him. I won't."

Rei nodded understandingly.

"If that happened, I'd end up hurting you ag…" He caught himself before she could. "Well, I'd end up hurting you. That's what he does: whatever he wants, to whoever gets in the way of his own personal gain. He doesn't care about anyone else, and he'll drive them all away if it fits his damned agendas…" As he realized the bitter turn his tone had taken, Shinji exhaled it heavily. "I just don't want to be as alone as he is."

_Maybe some day I'll be just like you and / step on people like you do  
And run away all the people I thought I knew  
I remember back then who you were  
You used to be calm, used to be strong, used to be generous, but you should have known  
That you'd wear out your welcome and now you see  
How quiet it is all alone_

_I'm so sick of the tension, sick of the hunger  
Sick of you acting like I owe you this  
Find another place to feed your greed  
While I find a place to rest  
I'm so sick of the tension  
Sick of the hunger  
Sick of you acting like I owe you this  
Find another place to feed your greed  
While I_ _find a place to rest_

_I wanna be in another place  
I hate when you say you don't understand  
[You'll see it's not meant to be]  
I wanna be in the energy, not with the enemy  
A place for my head_

"What are you going to do," Rei asked, "to avoid that?"

"This all started with him controlling me. That's where it'll end." A wave of tainted nostalgia rode his next words. "Back before my mother died, things weren't like this. He wasn't, I mean. I guess I wasn't, either. After he became who he is today, he started withholding affirmation from me. I didn't realize what was happening for the longest time, but he was starving me. And I got hungry enough that I'd do anything for just a taste. I think he enjoyed that kind of control, made him feel better about being alone." The thought flickered in Shinji's mind that maybe that was exactly what he had been doing back in the simulation. He quickly snuffed it out.

"And that's what you want freedom from?"

"Yes," Shinji said, relieved to finally pin his thoughts down with words. "That's exactly what I want."

Rei looked up to see the dark boxy structure that contained their homes, growing closer. "How can you gain that?"

"I can't," he answered without thinking. It was his default reply; it just came naturally. "He has something I need."

"What?"

Love, Shinji wanted to say, or affection. But did his father really have any amount of that? If so, certainly not for him. "…His approval. I want that. I need it to survive."

"You do?" she asked, knowing the answer. "Or can you receive it from anyone?"

"I suppose. But he's my father," Shinji said. "What he thinks about me matters more than what other people think."

"Because you believe that to be true."

Shinji's mind caught on that thought, examining it from every angle as his feet carried him up the stairs. Could that be true? No, he decided. It's impossible. What is, is, and I can't do anything to change that. Rei, she's different than me. She never had someone like my father to deal with. She can't understand.

They reached their floor, and proceeded past the dozens of identical doors. Shinji watched each one pass by, wondering who could be behind it. They were all just faceless apartment numbers, people he'd never meet, people who were happy without him. Rei's number passed him; they stopped at the door to Shinji's home.

Rei broke the accumulated silence. "Shinji…there is something you need to hear." He turned to face her, listening. The words just seemed to come to her, unbidden by conscious commands. "You will never be perfect enough to earn your father's affection. No one can be. This is by no fault of yours; it is simply how he thinks. If you continue to try for that, it will destroy you."

"But I have to try," he protested. "If I don't, it's just running away again."

"No. You're wrong," Rei said. "You only think that is so. Running away is avoiding what you know must be done, because of fear. You're running away from confronting the fact that you have value outside of his opinion. You run from it because to accept it is to live on your own, without direction, without command. That's a frightening concept to one used to living under the protection of duty. But you cannot continue to live like this, Shinji. It will kill you."

Shinji stared, his jaw slightly agape, trying to comprehend what she was telling him. Where did that come from? he thought. That didn't sound anything like Rei. Never was she this talkative, or this bold.

Rei was just as surprised to hear such force coming from her mouth. It was as if someone else was speaking through her. She said, "Do you understand?"

Of course he didn't. Everything she said was completely new to him, and completely impossible. Yet he nodded, managing an unconvincing "Yeah."

Rei said something else, and then said goodbye. Shinji didn't really hear it, not with his mind bombarded as it was just then. He returned the farewell and the brief embrace, and walked back to his room.

The blood on his sheets was nearly black now. He removed them and fell onto a bare mattress, not caring about it enough to replace the covers. All her words, they made no sense. How am I supposed to convince my father to stop judging me? he thought. Nothing I tell him can change how he feels about me, it doesn't matter whose words they are. I know Rei wants to help me, but she can't change my father, and she can't change his contempt. He'll keep doing this to me no matter what. There's nothing I can do to stop it.

_You, try to take the best of me, go away / You, try to take the best of me, go away  
You, try to take the best of me, go away / You, try to take the best of me, go away!  
You, try to take the best of me, go away! / You, try to take the best of me, go away!  
You, try to take the best of me, go away! / You, try to take the best of me! GO AWAY!_

_I wanna be in another place  
I hate when you say you don't understand  
(You'll see it's not meant to be)  
I wanna be in the energy, not with the enemy  
A place for my head _

_TAKE! / A! / WAY!  
  
I am so sick of the tension, sick of the hunger  
Sick of you acting like I owe you this  
Find another place to feed your greed  
While I find a place to rest  
I'm so sick of the tension  
Sick of the hunger  
Sick of you acting like I owe you this  
(Take) Find another place (away) to feed your greed (from me)  
While I find, a place to rest_

Feeling a sudden urge to sleep, Shinji rolled onto his side. Within minutes, to his great unfelt relief, he thought of nothing.


	10. Forgotten

Chapter Ten: Forgotten

_From the top to the bottom (bottom to top I stop)  
At the core I've forgotten (in the middle of my thoughts)  
Taken far from my safety (the picture's there)  
The memory won't escape me (but why should I care) _

_From the top to the bottom (bottom to top I stop)  
At the core I've forgotten (in the middle of my thoughts)  
Taken far from my safety (the picture's there)  
The memory won't escape me (but why should I care) _

The elevator's doors closed, their resounding thud echoing layers of déjà vu. The enclosed space seemed to have grown smaller, more claustrophobic, and it terrified him. Shinji stood rigidly in place, not daring to turn around. He was there. Even without having looked, Shinji knew. He could feel him, staring down at him, as the shadow crept nearer despite the lights.

It was too close, far too close. In his mind's eye—the irony did not escape him—he saw it, flowing slowly across the floor like some deadly virus, actively seeking him. He would be infected. He had to escape.

Shinji pressed the buttons frantically. It didn't matter where he went; anything he could find would be better than this certain death. A chime sounded, and the doors opened. He slipped through the narrow gap as soon as it appeared, pushing himself through to the outside.

He realized very quickly the magnitude of his error. Before he could correct it, the doors closed behind him and took with them the last vestige of light from the room. If it could be called a room—without any source of illumination, Shinji could see nothing. He wasn't sure whether he was inside something or out. "Hello?" he called out hesitantly. There was no echo from the darkness, and Shinji had the distinct feeling that the shadow had overtaken him.

He took a step back, raising his open hands to search for the smooth steel of the doors. They hit nothing but air. Shinji turned, frowning, and tried again. Still nothing. He began to panic. They were just here, he told himself in an attempt to stay calm. You probably just got turned around. Go back.

But where was 'back'? Where was 'up', for that matter? He looked in that direction, but while he felt the movement of his neck muscles, what he saw or didn't stayed the same. Disorientation set in, and then dizziness. He fell to what he could only assume was the ground.

Far above him, he heard the crack of lightning. Starting off in the distance, raindrops hit the hard ground as others fell, splashing, into those. Though he sensed the storm all around him, and the wetness of his shirt, Shinji felt oddly detached from its intensity. He was numb to the thunderclaps and their preparatory groaning, but for some reason he wanted deeply to feel it, to find a friend in the churning unseen sky.

His isolation was interrupted by a bright flash above. Forked paths of pale light painted the clouds, and for a split second, Shinji could see his surroundings. It was completely empty. There was nothing, vast borderless nothing, stretching along the featureless plain on which he stood. Then, as quickly as it had vanished, the darkness rushed back, and Shinji was alone again.

I hate this, he thought. I hate being so alone. He shivered. I was wrong. This is worse than facing him. I need out. Let me out!

On cue, the elevator doors appeared before him. Shinji took a step toward them, but as they began to open of their own accord, fear seized him and he turned to run.

Far behind him, they shut again, and the world went black.  
_  
There's a place so dark you can't see the end  
Skies cock back and shock that which can't defend  
The rain then sends dripping / acidic questions  
Forcefully, the power of suggestion  
Then with the eyes shut, looking though the rust and rot and dust_

_A small spot of light floods the floor  
And pours over the rusted world of pretend  
And the eyes ease open and its dark again From the top to the bottom (bottom to top I stop)  
At the core I've forgotten (in the middle of my thoughts)  
Taken far from my safety (the picture's there)  
The memory won't escape me (but why should I care)  
__  
In the memory you'll find me, eyes burning up  
The darkness holding me tightly, until the sun rises up _

The adrenaline subsided, and Shinji stopped running. He took a seat on the park bench to catch his breath, never pausing to wonder where it had come from. Indeed, an entire cityscape had risen from nowhere; Shinji glanced up at it during the moments of lightning-assisted visibility, and found it quite normal to be suddenly dwarfed by his environment. It did seem very familiar, as had everything in the course of his dream. The elevator's fear, the storm's isolation, and now this place…they were all memories, he decided, but they don't mean anything.

The loneliness certainly did. He felt it here, in this vacuum, and it was strong. Intuitively he knew he was the only person in the entire city. No one was here, not even Rei, and try as he did to reanimate his memories of her, he couldn't pierce the veil of solitude.

Thunder rumbled overhead, though the rain was slowing, he noted.

It was just like this. I was here, he remembered, asleep on this bench… He looked down at his arm, which had suddenly formed several streams of encrusted blood. …My arm was hurt, that's right. And then Rei found me.

Shinji looked up expectantly. At first, there was nothing, but then a faint voice echoed through the courtyard. He turned toward its source. There she was, at least in silhouette, on the other side of a heavy, barred fence. As Shinji ran to her, he wondered where the fence had come from, but paid it little more thought than that.

Closer now, he saw she was facing away from him. He reached for the handle to the fence's only gate and pulled. It was stuck. He pulled again, noticing the second time the electronic lock. It, too, was familiar. He recognized it as being identical to the security checkpoints at NERV. Its empty slot required a card's insertion; Shinji ran his card, already in his hand—another expected abnormality—through it, and waited. In response, the tone for a failed entry sounded.

What? That can't be right. He repeated the motion, growing impatient to cross and be with Rei, but again it rejected him.

Am I supposed to use a different card? he thought. Rummaging through his pockets, he found them empty. His one option had failed him, and he had no backup plan. Through the metal bars, Rei's form began to fade away.

"Rei! Wait!" he called to her. But she couldn't hear him, and he couldn't reach her. Soon, she was gone, and Shinji sunk back into solitude, without even a memory left uncorrupted to comfort him.  
_  
Moving all around, screaming of the ups and downs  
Pollution manifested in perpetual sound  
The wheels go round and the sunset creeps behind  
Street lamps, chain-link and concrete  
A little piece of paper with a picture drawn_

_Floats on down the street till the wind is gone  
And the memory now is like the picture was then  
When the paper's crumpled up it can't be perfect again From the top to the bottom (bottom to top I stop)  
At the core I've forgotten (in the middle of my thoughts)  
Taken far from my safety (the picture's there)  
The memory won't escape me (but why should I care)_

_From the top to the bottom (bottom to top I stop)  
At the core I've forgotten (in the middle of my thoughts)  
Taken far from my safety (the picture's there)  
The memory won't escape me (but why should I care) In the memory you'll find me, eyes burning up  
The darkness holding me tightly, until the sun rises up _

Shinji released his grip on the bars, letting his hands slide down to waist level. At the sound of some disturbance behind his back, he turned, finding himself back where he had started: staring through the vacuous gateway of the elevator.

It had followed him, despite its stationary nature, or else Shinji couldn't avoid returning to it. Either way, the persistence of their meetings was as unavoidable as the figure still standing inside. Each time his presence seemed to grow more overpowering, forcing itself closer to the center of Shinji's dreams. After three reoccurrences tonight alone, he could think of nothing else.

He blinked, and now the doors were behind him, sliding to trap him inside, alone with the monster. The elevator's doors closed, their resounding thud echoing layers of déjà vu. The enclosed space seemed to have grown smaller, more claustrophobic, and it terrified him. Shinji stood rigidly in place, daring at last to look up from the floor. He was there.

His form was no longer contained to itself. Not just a mere human, he embodied darkness; the shadow stretched from its core along the back wall and edged on the others like a living stain. Shinji's sight passed through his faded body. It seemed he had surpassed the restriction of being contained in one, and had free reign of every part of Shinji's mind. The boy felt him take advantage of that access as nightmarish memories were drudged up from the forgotten depths of his psyche.

No, he thought. Don't do this to me. I don't want to remember these. Please…stop…

_Now you got me caught in the act, you bring the thought back / I'm telling you that I see it right through you  
Now you got me caught in the act, you bring the thought back / I'm telling you that I see it right through you  
Now you got me caught in the act, you bring the thought back / I'm telling you that I see it right through you  
Now you got me caught in the act, you bring the thought back / I'm telling you that I see it right through you  
Now you got me caught in the act, you bring the thought back / I'm telling you that I see it right through you  
Now you got me caught in the act, you bring the thought back / I'm telling you that I see it right through you  
Now you got me caught in the act, you bring the thought back / I'm telling you that I see it right through you _

Images of himself flashed behind Shinji's eyes. One, of him interrupting a board meeting with an insignificant phone call, and being reprimanded for it. Then his father, standing high above him, the word "leave" echoing in the vast Eva bay. The same thing, in his cavernous office: "Running away again." And now, a child much younger, standing just yards from a coffin being lowered into the ground, with only one parent beside him.

_No!_ he screamed. Stop it! Stop it! Don't make me relive that! I don't want those anymore. Just let me go, let me take back my life. Please…release me…

The shadow exploded outward and enveloped Shinji. He fell to the floor, struggling to breathe and failing. The darkened ceiling lights blurred, dimming, and disappeared completely.

He woke up gasping for air, his lungs burning. Shinji released his claw-like grip on the pillow and wiped the sweat from his forehead. He was safe now, but in so much more danger. He stood on weak legs, took another deep breath, and changed clothes. Without thinking, he slipped his ID card into his pocket.  
_  
In the memory you'll find me, eyes burning up  
The darkness holding me tightly, until the sun rises up In the memory, you will find me  
Eyes burning up  
The darkness holding me tightly…  
Until the sun rises up_


	11. Pushing Me Away

Chapter Eleven: Pushing Me Away

This isn't the ending I want, thought Shinji. His sullen, tired face reflected back from the Geo-Front transport, watching the massive cavern's ceiling slip farther away. His descent carried a heavier tone to it. It seemed that every time he returned here, his life dissolved into chaos. Only up on the surface was there any peace, but that too was affected by these depths and their only real resident. He was Shinji's reality, the sole survivor of sleep's cleansing nothingness, and though hundreds must be down there waiting for him, none of them mattered save one.

Still farther he fell, wondering if this pit had a bottom. Why was it taking so long? He was nervous, on edge, more so than any time before. But this was nothing special; why should it be? It's just another day of following the routine. Nothing's going to change. Nothing has to.

He left the transport to begin navigating the maze-like corridors of NERV's upper levels. Rei was wrong, he thought. I don't need to do anything different to survive. I'm surviving now, aren't I? I'll go on with my life as it is, that's good enough. But if that's true, he thought, entering another hallway, why am I still thinking about it?

There is no reason, so stop it. That was just something she said to try and help me her way. But she's not me, and she can't understand me. I'll deal with things my way.

Shinji passed through what he knew from memory to be the last gate on this level, and froze. Just across the length of the long room rested two eerily familiar steel doors. The distorted ceiling lights shone on their surface, stopping abruptly at a vertical cut in the center. He must have seen these doors a thousand times by now, but with the dreams focusing more closely each time around they appeared darkly ominous. Shinji was sure that if he stepped any closer, they would undoubtedly swallow him.

He took a deep breath and walked toward them anyway. This is stupid, he thought as he pressed the down-pointing arrow. It's just an elevator, the same one you take every day you come here. The threatening doors slid open smoothly, and he stepped in, settling against the back wall after selecting his near-bottom destination. The doors closed.

Only two floors down, the elevator slowed. Shinji stepped back as far as possible, feeling his heart pound faster. No one arrived at the same time as he, no one ever stopped his descent. This wasn't right. The lights seemed to dim just slightly, and a vision from the nightmares entered the suddenly suffocating chamber.

The doors closed, and silence fell. Without a word, the imposing figure turned to press the button directly beneath the one already lit. He stood, a mountain emplaced between Shinji and escape. There would be no running away.

_"Running away is avoiding what you know must be done, because of fear."_

What? Shinji blinked. The things Rei told me? No…those aren't true. Those might be true for her, but not for me.

_"You cannot continue to live like this."_

Why not? he thought, fighting the echoed memories. I can live however I want!

In his defensive forcefulness, he nearly said the last phrase aloud. Terrified at the possibility, he clenched his fists and focused on keeping quiet. To speak would be death, he knew that well.

Wait. He furrowed his brow. What did I just say? I'm living in fear, horrified of speaking a single word. This isn't the life I want…

_"If you continue to try for that, it will destroy you."_

She was right. She was right the whole time. I have to end this now. No more running away. He took the last breath of his old life and looked up at the Commander.

"Father."

He didn't move, and spoke in annoyed tones. "What?"

Shinji flinched but did not stop. "…I'm done."

"What are you talking about?" he said, still facing away.

Despite the irritation displayed in his voice, Shinji refused to yield. I can't go back now. I won't. "Father…I won't do this anymore. I'm done."

Another floor passed. "You're resigning?"

Even in this, he tried to reduce it to business terms. It was his method of running away. Shinji saw that now. "No. I'll continue to pilot the Evangelion." He could feel the smirk on the Commander's face, one of knowing he remained in control. "But I'm not doing it for you."

Instantly that smirk vanished, and his indignation returned. "What did you say?" There was a threat in his tone, daring Shinji to back down. It was ignored.

"I'm not living for you anymore."

_I've lied / to you  
The same way that I always do  
This is / the last smile  
That I'll fake for the sake of being with you  
(Everything falls apart, even the people who never frown eventually break down)  
The sacrifice of hiding in a lie  
(Everything has to end, you'll soon find we're out of time left to watch it all unwind)  
The sacrifice is never knowing  
__  
Why I never walked away  
Why I played myself this way  
Now I see your testing me pushes me away  
Why I never walked away  
Why I played myself this way  
Now I see your testing me pushes me away_

He laughed at this pithy attempt at rebellion. It was a dry, inhuman sound, one that had a home in Shinji's dreams. Upping his aggression, the elder Ikari turned to face the boy. Although he took precautions not to show it, he was surprised. It was almost comical: from the way he stood tall, instead of the usual half-slumped posture he held, Ikari could tell he was ready for a fight. The dead, vacant eyes were locked on his, wide awake.

"You're not making any sense," he spat. "Don't waste my time."

"I'm not part of your time." The words rang clearly in the space between them, cutting through the haze and bringing fresh air to Shinji's lungs. They filled again. "I am not yours to schedule. I'm not yours to control."

"Pathetic." He barely suppressed the snarl forming below his tinted glasses. "So you can't even follow orders?"

Shinji felt the guilt hit him. I'm not doing what I'm supposed to…

_"You have value outside of his opinion…to accept it is to live on your own, without direction, without command."_

He pushed the doubt away. No. What I'm ordered to do is not what I need to do. No more of waiting for other people to tell me how to live my life. I've had enough.  
_  
I've tried / like you  
To do everything you wanted to  
This is / the last time  
I'll take the blame for the sake of being with you  
  
__(Everything falls apart, even the people who never frown eventually break down)  
The sacrifice of hiding in a lie  
(Everything has to end, you'll soon find we're out of time left to watch it all unwind)  
The sacrifice is never knowing  
Why I never walked away  
Why I played myself this way  
Now I see your testing me pushes me away  
Why I never walked away  
Why I played myself this way  
Now I see your testing me pushes me away…_

"I'm done trying to live up to your demands."

His eyes narrowed. "Incompetent child…you're running away again?"

"No." Shinji stared directly into his father's eyes and spoke. His voice was calm and level, through steady as the steel off which it reverberated. His heart beat quickly, yet he knew he was in full command of every syllable he bore. "For the first time in my life, I'm done with running. Do you understand me? I'm done. I'm done with wondering whether or not my work has earned your acceptance. I'm done with living in fear of hearing you say I'm a failure. I'm done with being what you want me to be, of feeling faithless, of believing that I'm nothing without you, and I swear to you, I will never go back."  
_  
(Were all out of time / this is how we learn how it all unwinds)  
The sacrifice of hiding in a lie  
(Were all out of time / this is how we learn how it all unwinds)  
The sacrifice is never knowing  
  
Why I never walked away  
Why I played myself this way  
Now I see your testing me pushes me away  
Why I never walked away  
Why I played myself this way  
Now I see your testing me pushes me away…  
Pushes me away…_

Gendo stood, trembling with rage at this insubordination. Hate burned behind his eyes as he glared at Shinji, grasping for something to say to put the brat in his place.

The elevator stopped at Shinji's floor, and the doors opened. Without a word, he walked around his father. As he paused, Gendo hissed, "You are worthless."

"No," Shinji said, without looking back. "I am mine."

As the doors began to shut behind him, Shinji walked to the chair in which Rei was sitting, waiting for him. She rose, and Shinji took her hand in his. With a warm smile on his face, they walked away.


End file.
